Thing's Xander Is NO Longer Allowed To Do
by Chaos Eternus
Summary: One Shots Inspired by the 'things Xander is no longer allowed to do'list on livejournal.
1. Rule 176

**Xander's Sword In The Stone  
by Chaoseternus **

To say Giles was unamused and perhaps a little scared would be too understate the matter, it had been relatively quiet since the closing of the Sunnydale Hellmouth. After all, with the demons waking up one morning to find themselves surrounded by slayers and the largest source of their power destroyed the bulk of the non-human population had been doing the collective demonic equivalent of finding themselves clean pants.

There was even a rumour of a new self-help group called Darksiders anonymous apparently formed by the demons to help those who suddenly found themselves with the urge to go white, or at least neutral and take themselves off the target list. That rumour had kept him smiling for days, despite the sheer volume of paper-pushing involved with seizing control of the watchers council and its assets.

The revelation that their was an alien threat to earth in the form of the Goa'uld was taken in its stride, the sudden almost scary cooperativeness of the demonic creatures meant that the Slayers were largely reduced to mere Police Duties not warfare and as such, it was little matter to assist Earth's defences in that area as well.

It meant he was doing a lot of organising, but in general the Earth was safe, so he had time to relax, to spend with his family, dysfunctional as it was and even to sow the seeds of a family of his own.

And now this…

"Please tell me how you acquired this sword again," Giles asked exasperated, his expression screaming his annoyance and disbelief with the situation he found himself presented with.

"Well, it began with inventory…"

* * *

"Right," Xander commented abruptly as he walked up to the third inventory room of the day, his eye flicking as he read the icons hammered into the surface of the door, "Room Delta-Omega-5-5-9-Alpha, check the list Kennedy." 

Grumbling, the slayer turned to the clipboard in her hand, "what was that again?"

Impatiently, Xander repeated himself, his blank expression hiding his annoyance and contempt for the bratty warrior in front of him.

"No listing," Kennedy grumbled, flapping the clipboard about, "another room we have to inventorise, great. Tell me again why I have to do this?"

"You broke Mr Gordo," the look Xander shot Kennedy could loosely have been described as 'glacial', "it took me a week of searching in the ruins and you used it for target practise."

"Yeah," Kennedy grumbled, "how was I to know Buffy was really so childish as to still want a teddy bear?"

The look dropped beyond glacial, heading rapidly towards absolute zero with an interesting visit to the nuclear fire of Xander utterly pissed off. In her first sensible move of the day, Kennedy shut her mouth. Unfortunately, she ruined it by forcing the door to the vault open.

Carefully opening his eye to find the world still in existence, Xander somehow managed to calmly ask the Slayer, "how did you know it was safe to open that door?"

"Well," she replied, "we're still here aren't we."

Xander didn't bother to dignify that with a response.

"Besides," she continued, "so far all the light grey to white stuff has had Delta on the door."

"Yes," the Scooby replied, "and that's true. However, I don't remember seeing the Omega on anything rated below 'Hurt's True Gods'"

Kennedy's jaw slammed shut as she shivered, gazing around the newly revealed vault with new, less brazen eyes.

"Seeing as how the world still appears to exist and that Willow hasn't had to 'port in again," Xander continued, "I'm assuming you didn't trigger anything dangerous off _this _time, such as another booby-trap. That being true, I am going to inventorise the room and you are going to sit quietly by here doing nothing except writing exactly what I say, understood?"

Kennedy opened her mouth to protest;

"Else I tell Buffy what really happened to her pig,"

Defeated, the Slayer sat down, gazing at Xander with aggrieved, petulant eyes.

Turning his back on his new favourite enemy, the only person to have ever successfully replaced 'Angelus' on that lowest of pedestals, Xander walked into the room and slowly carefully, began writing down descriptions and taking photos of every item.

The Sword, according to the numbers on his inventory sheet was the twenty-ninth item he had catalogued.

"Item, One sword, looks factory new, steel or perhaps iron blade, handle leather, some decoration including gold inlay but not a display item, this looks more like a sword designed to be used. Writing down the length of the blade, looks vaguely English, think it's human. I need a Twinkie…" Xander shook his head, sitting down abruptly as he reached into his pockets, pulling one of the treats from his pocket as he surveyed the room with a groan, "this has to be the most boring job ever,"

"Yeah," Kennedy shouted from the corner, "how did the Slayer's blue eyed boy get shafted with this job? Didn't run fast enough at her call like a good doggy?"

"First, she dragged me out shopping, and then she actually asked 'does my bum look big in this?'" Xander grimaced, "I was distracted, didn't censor my mouth fast enough."

"You didn't?" came the amused, malicious and simultaneously sympathetic reply.

"I did," he replied, slipping the sweet wrapper into his pocket, "I don't think she appreciated the honesty."

"No shit Sherlock,"

Groaning, he rose back to his feet, turning once more to the sword.

"Sword in embedded in stone, looks like granite, worked granite at that," he continued, glad that he didn't have the laborious task of identifying every single item, "very smooth surface, base is near perfectly round, somebody definitely put a lot of effort into this. Sword is…"

Xander reached carefully forward, pulling at the sword, "loose in the stone, comes free easily revealing more of the writing.

He paused, his eyes narrowing, "believe I recognise the writing now, it's Old English, Saxon period, thank you to all those research sessions… letters, E, X, C, A…"

"Oh _fuck, _"

Glancing up, Xander saw Kennedy discard her clipboard, throwing herself towards him;

"Put it back, now!"

Giving her a look that bluntly told her she had best know what she was doing; Xander carefully dropped the sword back into its slot, then watched bemused as Kennedy attempted to pull the sword back out, putting the entire force of her Slayer enhanced body into the effort. Defeated, she stood back from the stone, her eyes wide, her chest rather distractingly heaving.

"Excalibur," she said awed.

Xander blinked, reached across and carefully but with no resistance, a fact his mind very carefully noted, he pulled the sword from the stone, his eyes resting firmly on the lettering as it was revealed.

Excalibur.

"Oh _hellmouth, _" he noted, before slumping to the ground in a dead faint.

* * *

Giles groaned; his hands worrying in a familiar motion at his glasses, "Couldn't you have just quietly put it back, left the room, very firmly locking the door behind you, never to mention it again?" 

"Giles," he replied, slightly aghast, "sword, stone, Excalibur pulled!"

"Yoda speak like must you?" Giles snapped back, "for that matter, Excalibur! That sword is not supposed to return to Britain until her hour of greatest need, if that is truly Excalibur, then Apocalypse season has come early this year."

Xander grimaced, but Giles wasn't finished, a smirk crossing his face, his voice fading into pure British aristocrat, a tone that had Xander gazing at the Watcher with more then a little wariness, "You do realise of course that this makes you a champion of Great Britain?"

Xander blinked, "Oh bugger,"

"Quite," Giles replied, snickering as he gazed upon the young man he looked upon as his only son.

* * *

_Inspired by the _'Thing's Xanders No Longer Allowed To Do' List 

(see jpublic on livejournal)

176)I am not to sneak into the Council's secure storage basement and try to pull any swords out of any stones I should 'happen to find just sitting there.'

176a) If I actually succeed in pulling a hypothetical sword out of a theoretical stone, just for the sake of argument, I am to quietly put it back, leave, lock the door behind me, and never mention it to anybody ever again.

176b) Especially Giles. It will just give him a headache.

For the record, I do not own nor do i cliam ownership of charcaters and/or concepts from Buffy the Vampire (s)layer or arthurian legend (which I almost certainly ed up anyway)


	2. Rule 85

**Xander is Not Allowed to...  
By chaoseternus **

"We've tried everything, bamboo shoots under the nails, glass rod up his…" Buffy stuttered to a stop, blushing faintly, "right, electric shocks, plain beatings, I don't think he's going to talk,"

"We need to know where he has hidden Dawnie buff," Willow commented sadly.

"I know, I know,"

"I," Xander shuddered, "have an idea,"

---

_"But I sent you away, oh Mandy" _

"Stop it, stop it, I'll talk," screamed the 1000 pound demon, eyes streaming with tears, his hands pressed desperately against his ears, "please!"

"I hate you Xander," Angel grumbled, "perhaps I should finish the song?"

"No!" Xander responded, alarmed.

* * *

85) Not allowed to encourage Angel to sing as a form of torture.   
85a) Especially 'Mandy'. 


	3. Rule 98

**Xander is Not Allowed to...  
By chaoseternus **

"Place your bets, place your bets here!"

"Alien," Andrew grinned, handing over a twenty. Nodding, Xander noted it down into his little black book.

"Demon," Willow grinned, handing her money over.

Giles took Elven, a choice which got a raised eyebrow but no comment from Xander, Kennedy rather nastily choose animal.

Grinning lecherously, Faith pulled a twenty from between her breasts, handing it to a suddenly nervous Xander, she commented simply, "female,"

"What are you choosing Dawnie?" Xander asked, noticing her trying to get his attention.

"Human," she replied, with a knowing grin.

Xander snorted, taking the Keys money, "sucker bet,"

"What's a sucker bet?"

Grinning, they turned to face the door where Buffy stood, a tall handsome, human looking figure beside her.

"Oh right, guys I would like you to meet Duncan McCloud. He's immortal,"

Groans filled the room, "all right," Giles sighed, "who had 'none of the above?'"

* * *

98) I cannot organize a "pool" about the species of Buffy's next boyfriend.  
98a) Even if Faith wants "a piece of that action."  
98b) Or Dawn.  
98c) Or Willow.  
98d) Or Giles.  
98e) Nor can I refer to "human" as the "sucker bet." 


	4. Rule 169

**Xander is Not Allowed to...  
By chaoseternus **

"All right yea landlubbers, this here is the Dread Pirate Roberts and I'm here to shiver your timbers!"

The look the said 'landlubbers', a rather large group of Polgara demons, sent the eye-patched Scooby was largely disbelieving but there was enough shock in their for twenty Slayers to file unmolested into the room as well.

"What's that, yer brute squad?"

"And one Rodent of Unusual size," Xander noted as Andrew slipped in, sword in hand.

Grinning tightly, Andrew raised his saber, "My name is Inigo Montoyo, you killed my father, prepare to die!"

The 'brute squad' took that as their cue.

---

"Well that was bracing," Xander commented as they fled before the approaching sirens.

"But sad, I mean, come on, all those Princess Bride references?"

Xander grinned at Kennedy, "You think we're bad? A certain Slayer we both know dressed up as Buttercup one Halloween…"

Kennedy blinked, "Buffy? No way!"

* * *

169) I am not 'The Dread Pirate Roberts.'  
169a) The slayers are not to be referred to as my 'brute squad.'  
169b) Andrew is not a "Rodent of unusual size,' even if Faith agrees with me.   
169c) I am not to go into battle with the cry 'My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to Die!'  
169d) I cannot tell the new slayers that Buffy dressed as Buttercup that Hallowe'en. 


	5. Rule 66

**Xander is Not Allowed to...  
By Chaoseternus**

The trouble started with the new axe. It was sharp, shiny, cost a bomb to have customized to Xander's grip and then another, somewhat larger bomb getting all the spell components for the 'enhancements' Willow had decided to try out.

What they had given Xander ended up being a very sharp blade that would never go blunt of get stained and just happened to have the mystical equivalent of a 'Sombody's elses problem' field. Or in this case, a 'not a threat' field

Frankly, she had expected that to be… interesting but not to the extent it was. Whilst carrying the axe, nobody, not even if they had just seen Xander tear his way straight through a dozen vampires, could get it into their heads that Xnader might possibly be a threat to them. It made it very easy for Xander to outflank, outthink or just plain walk past minions to get to the desired target. Combined with a distraction, slayer style, it meant Xander wasn't noticed up till the point where the biggest demon suddenly found themselves dead. Sometimes, he wasn't noticed even then.

The axe was quickly becoming regarded as the mystical equivalent of a nuclear bomb. Naturally, Xander had decided it deserved a name…

* * *

"Ares?" Willow suggested.

"Well, that would be appropriate, see…"

"Nah," Xander interrupted, "haven't you seen The Legendary Journeys? Guy was a total jerk."

The look the watcher shot him could best be described as glacial, "well, if you are going to use that… profane example of crass commercialism of history as a source…"

Xander blinked, his expression turning bemused as he glanced across at Giles, who promptly rolled his eyes and turned his attention away from the conversation.

"Assassin?" Buffy suggested.

"Tempting, certainly appropriate…" he mused with a grin, "lets drop that into the maybe column."

"Axe of Iolaus?" Dawn suggested quietly, her mouth turning upwards in a faint smile at Giles groan.

Xander shook his head, "nah, just doesn't quite have it. Besides, G-man is probably right about the crass commercialism part."

He grinned unrepently as Giles choked, spilling tea over his almost-completed paperwork, his expression managing to convey the impression that the effect was exactly what he had been looking for.

Dawn smiled, tightly, "I think it's very appropriate Xander, after all, you've always been there when once of us has needed you… _'--Then call on me as your Iolaus, as long as the daylight lasts.'" _

Giles smiled, sending the teen an approving nod as he attempted to mop up the table, "Plato's Phaedo."

Touched, Xander pulled the axe from sheath on his back with a smile, "Iolaus it is,"

* * *

Of course, that wasn't a problem. No, the problem would come later, when its name would come into play in a unexpected way. In the meantime, Xander now had an axe with an all-too appropriate name, zoom forward now to apocalypse season…

* * *

"He has the axe!" Xander gasped out as he dived behind the line of Slayers, a dozen small but far too smelly demons promptly dieing as they tried to follow the one-eyed warrior.

"The Demon Prince? Don't worry about it, he's not a threat," Buffy blinked, her mind processing the words she had just spoken, "oh wow, damn. We have got to redo the wards on that axe."

"Why?" Faith asked, as puzzled expression on her face as she drove her sword right between armour segments on a larger but less smelly demon, instantly severing its spinal cord at the neck.

The senior slayer shrugged, "true, it's not as if they guy who has it is going to be able too…. _Damn. _ We _so _ need to do something about that axe."

"Right…" Faith shot her a bemused look, "I wouldn't suggest sending anyone after it at the moment, still to many demons to deal with. Besides, the guy who's holding it doesn't even know… how… too… Oh, bollocks."

Buffy grimaced, "cottoned on have you?"

"Cottoned on to what?" Faith shrugged, "hey, at least Iolaus didn't end up in the hands of one of the larger demons. Nasty little bastards."

Buffy shook her head and aided by the Axe's magics, gave up on trying to get the point across. After all, it wasn't as if the guy who had the axe was a threat, no Rona could deal with him regardless how it might actually look.

Wait, why did Xander just shout for his axe?

Damnit, why couldn't they see it? That thing was a menace without the axe but with it… was he the only who actually saw the threat there? Of course… it was his axe, intended for him and he had been the person to use it most, it might have granted him immunity to its magics.

Still, that left Rona in a very threatened position… and the thing was about to kill her with his axe! His pride about to be tainted forever…

Perhaps it was instinct, perhaps it was a selfish desire not to have his most prized possession tainted by the blood of a hero but either way, in that critical moment Xander didn't call Rona's name as the axe began to fall, but that of the axe itself.

_"Iolaus!" _

* * *

Rona closed her eyes fearfully, knowing this was the end, that one of the few survivors of the Sunnydale hellmouth was about to die, that…

Hang on, why wasn't she dead already?

Demon Prince was taking his time…

She opened her eyes, glanced upwards and her expression a mixture of shock, relief and grim satisfaction dived out of the way mere seconds before the body of the ex-demon prince crashed down to the ground where she had been slumped mere seconds before.

Faith blinked, her eyes wide as she glanced from the mysterious blonde haired man who had just scored a perfect bullseye on the bastards eye from across the full length of the cathedral and in the time it had taken her to merely think about what he had done, had already reloaded his bow twice and taken two other lesser demons out as well.

He was muscled too, not in the bodybuilder way, but in an 'I have worked hard and fought hard all my life and am still here' kind of way.

"Faith," Buffy's voice snapped her back to the fight, "you can salivate over our mysterious friend later. In the meantime, slay please?"

She grinned, darting forward then groaned, shooting an annoyed glance back at her sister slayer, mouthing 'Slay Please?'

* * *

"I thought summoning only worked for demons and for Gods?" Giles stated with a frown.

Iolaus shrugged, "as I understand it, works for minions as well. So long as you rightfully work above or below, you can be summoned. Never had it happen to me before, well, except by Hercules normally at the most inconvenient of moments but still…"

Buffy frowned, "inconvenient?"

He blushed, "Last time I was… busy. Almost finished in fact. Hercules didn't try _that _ again."

The group fell quiet, their expressions moving as one from 'huh?' to 'I don't want to know' with a quick stop off a 'eww!' and 'I did not need that mental image.'

"Of course," Iolaus shrugged slightly, hiding a smile, "Aphrodite always thought it was she who was going to end up summoned by one of you first. Apparently she's been keeping an eye on Xander here."

"Really?" Dawn grinned, "do tell…"

* * *

She had warning at that point, she could have stopped it then, but truly, she had no idea what Dawn was up too. If she any idea… well, she would probably have allowed the little brat to chase Xander like she had always wanted. Better that then the alternative, Dawnie playing matchmaker…

Then again, she had been distracted by the humble pie Giles had been eating over a certain 'profane example of crass commercialism of history'

* * *

It wasn't often the wards pinged her consciousness and then did the mystical equivalent of attempting to curl up in a corner and hide. When that happened, Willow knew something big was up and teleported straight in the main hallway of the Slayer's Council headquarters, Amy's Little surprise on her lips, fireballs in the hands. All of which she allowed to dissipate with a resigned smile as soon as she saw exactly who was in the doorway.

"Xander, what did you do this time?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, a baffled, bemused expression on his face, "she just followed me home,"

"I doubt a Goddess just followed you home," Willow shrugged, "her hands dancing intricately behind her back, "certainly not Hecate herself,"

"Well…" Xander shrugged helplessly.

"Mind if we finish this?" the Earthly looking woman next to him said with a purr, "Aphrodite told me so much about you…"

"Aphrodite," Willow said flatly.

Xander groaned, shook his head and shouted, "Dawnie, when I get a hold of you I am going to _kill _ you,"

"Knew we shouldn't have left her and Iolaus alone," she frowned, pouting, "course, she would have to 'forget' that rule 31 still applies."

"Hey!" he replied outraged.

"Rule 31?"

"Not allowed to date outside of my speacies," Xander responded grumpily.

"Well honey," Hecate responded, "I am a God, I could smite anyone who tried to enforce that if you wanted?"

Xander grimaced, sending Willow a pleading look, "probably not the best idea, you know I don't think this relationship is going to…"

Willow stifled a snicker.

"I could even smite the IRS for you…" she pouted, I don't know why people keep asking for that one,"

"Okay," Xander replied shortly, "now I'm tempted."

Willow just barely stopped herself from nodding.

* * *

Trouble indeed, Buffy sighed, her expression mutinous as she gazed across the figure who now quite frequently joined them in their slaying, explaining quite simply why there was very little slaying to be done these last few months.

Of course, having Hecate on you side did have its benefits…

"You think my outfit looks _tarty?" _Faith shrieked, "I show you a new outfit… _Hecate work thy will, before thee let the… Pantomime Dame crawl." _

"Done and girl, you have been spending far too much time around Giles."

Of course, being able to summon Hecate at any time did also have its disadvantages. Two-hundred pounds of body-builder turned vampire in drag was certainly one of them. Not.

* * *

66) Not allowed to name a weapon after foreign gods.  
66a) Especially if all I know said deity is from a cartoon, anime, or comic.  
66b) Nor am I allowed to invoke him in battle.

68) In fact, I'm not allowed to invoke ANY god in battle.

69) Not allowed to invoke gods, period.

70) "She followed me home!" is not a valid excuse for providing a nonhuman entity with access to Council Headquarters.

71) Deities are not human, therefore Rule 31 applies.

72) Smiting or threats thereof are not a valid counterargument to the previous two rules.


	6. Xander's Vengeance

**Xanders Not Allowed Too...  
"Xander's Vengeance"****  
by chaoseternus **

**Nominated under the title 'Inventory' for the 2007 Crossing Over Awards  
Xander's Not Allowed Too... List can be found on my website at wwwDOTchaoseternusDOTcoDOTuk or livejournal profile for Jpublic (the list compiler)**

For years, Dawnie has _known _she is going to marry me when she is of age, my choice in the matter be damned, at first I thought it was a simple crush and pretty much ran into the arms of Anya to escape it.

Turns out it wasn't a crush, the monks decided that Dawn should have somebody who would protect her body and soul as her mate… and now that Dawn is getting close to being of age there is a magic of sorts working on me too. Okay, so my choice has gone out the window, not that I am really complaining, she has grown into a fine woman and somebody I could see at my side for the rest of my life but that doesn't mean I can't… _punish _her just a little first, you don't think Anya called me the 'sexual slayer' for nothing did you?

All with Buffy's permission of course; suicidal I am not.

---

Stage one, Dawn having her daily workout with the Slayers check, hot summers day check, excuse to be hot and sweaty check, the roof has needed repairing since I suggested placing a camera in Slayers dorms as a money making gesture anyway…. (And I had already bought the domain too, minutes of banging and hammering later, casually climb down the ladder in full view of the working out slayers plus one, stride over to water butt, dunk head into water to cool off then dramatically sweep head back, scattering water everywhere.

Glance across casually just as Dawn manages to face plant the floor, perfect!

Suppress violent urge to run as I realize I just abruptly halted the training and now have twenty slayers gazing somewhat distracted in my direction. No, it's not a run, it's a causal saunter back into the mansion to get a cooling glass of lemonade, honest!

---

Phase two of the complete destruction of Dawn's mind and self-control in progress. According to the gal with the camera, i.e. Buffy, the Dawnmeister swims every Saturday for one hour as part of her normal fitness regime or to put it another way, one hundred and one ways to escape demons and vampires.

Wait until she's almost finished, just climbing out the pool… and walk in, sans everything bar a single, far too small Speedo suggested by a slayer who is taking far too much fun in teasing her sister with what she can't have yet. Evil of course, but damn that must have hurt, accidentally back flopping into the pool is never fun… unless you're the one watching of course.

And as bonus, Buffy got soaked as well. Would have thought she would have had enough sense to be a bit further away then that…

---

Phase three, the rumour mill…

Okay, well a rumour mill liberally aided with a little truth but hey, the best lies are those that have a little truth in them after all.

First, encourage Buffy, Willow and a few others who knew Anya to discuss or causally drop hints about what Anya thought my main 'talent' was, leave a well eared copy of the Karma Sutra in full view, strangely enough the only thing Anya and I bought that I still have, but what else?

Hey, there's that, heh, 'frustration' support group over on Fifth Street with the sexual instructor whose life I saved a few weeks ago. One quiet word and few pints later and I may just have a nice certificate off my own to leave casually about…

Rumours, take that!

---

I am so screwed… turns out one of the members of the support group was a freaking slayer and she just offered a complete box of 24 Twinkies for an hour…

Hard not to look tempted and Dawn just caught the whole damn thing, didn't know she could screech quite that loud. Still, maybe it'll help.

---

Part four of my master plan, of total payback for all those 'Mr and Mrs Harris' notes I keep finding and for having being grabbed by the police because of it…

Bust the shower.

Well, bust my shower anyway, senior council members all get en-suite, then borrow Dawn's. Hide the note that would normally get shoved on the door when a shower is being 'borrowed' somewhere it _could _have landed if it had fallen off the door. Listen carefully for Dawn to come back…

---

Note to self, never do that again, Dawn damn near 'forgot' her promise to Buffy (anyone else seeing the pattern here?) catching me in her shower. Damn thing those demonic cultists tried to attack then or I might be in real trouble right now, as it was I still ended up running buck naked past all those Slayers to get some clothes.

I'll have to sneak back into Dawns room at some point and see if I can find out where she hid mine…

---

Dawn has been mentioning that Jon kid from school at lot, weirdo with the far too old eyes and the Special Forces skills but not the Special Forces body. Okay, I know full well they are only friends, but I can still use this…

Of course, I'll have to wait till she next brings the Generals nephew around.

---

Casually twirl and fiddle with axe as we watch the movie, try not to smile as Jon looks across more and more puzzled, then finally gets the courage to ask what exactly I'm doing with a battleaxe in my hands.

Look directly at Jon; suggest its 'sexual protection'.

Grin evilly and point the axe towards the 'child', and say all too calmly 'for _Dawn.' _

Enjoy the gulp as they both get the point, Jon gulps, sweats and tries to explain what I already know and Dawn… well, Dawn just shrieks outraged.

Score another one, you know, in two weeks when she finally becomes of age, I am either going to have really _really_run for it… or I'm going to be the one buying headboards in bulk now, not just Faith.

---

Dawn tried to score one off me today, the Slayers being on full apocalypse alert makes if difficult for them to get supplies. Given how many girls we have in the building, it means it is pretty much always somebody's 'red tide week'; thankfully we have a calendar now that tells us who's so we know to be prepared.

Apparently, not prepared enough though as according to Dawn a few of the girls were running low. Enjoy the way her face drops into a pout as I don't even blush as Dawn asks me to retrieve certain supplies and just ask for size, type, brand…

You need to given me a little more credit then that Dawn; I _did _date Anya after all.

---

Apparently my earlier constructive encouragement of the rumour mill has, surprise surprise, gotten a little out of hand.

Today I had, of all the people, _Kennedy, _the original spoilt brat asking me if she could help settle on the betting pool. A betting pool that, thanks to the very rumours I had started, covered the size of my 'equipment'.

I was really tempted to send them in the direction of Buffy who knows ( _Don't ask, ever. On pain of pain) _but instead I just suggested they check the camera footage of a week ago when Dawn forced me to streak through the building.

Exit Kennedy stage left happily, and me hastily stage right. I _do _know how to delete camera footage from the archives after all.

Oh hell, is Dawn in on the betting pool?

If she finds out without me having a ring on her finger, Buffy will go straight from gleeful assistant to homicidal manic with a short stopover at berserker.

This is not going exactly to plan.

Still, I have another week to go yet and I'm sure I can come up with a few more ideas in that time…

* * *

258) It is understood that I am an attractive man. Standing outside on a hot summer's day with no shirt and doing the 'drinking from a gallon jug' thing while the SITs are training is cruel and is strictly prohibited.  
258a) Except as revenge.  
258b) Except against Dawn, because then I'm just asking for trouble. 

18) I am not the 'Sexual Slayer.'

13) The Speedo is not to be worn, even if I am a 'sexy beast.'

24) May not propose as a money-making venture.

26) I am not a certified sex instructor, even if I have a card that says I am.

30) Not allowed to accept Twinkies as trade for sexual favors.

34) Must always lock the bathroom door when showering if Dawn is home.  
34a) Must also block the door.  
34b) Must not shower when Dawn is home.

55) A battle-axe is not the safest form of sexual protection.  
55a) Except for Dawnie

157) I am not allowed to suggest that Faith buy headboards 'in bulk.'

104) When I am asked to retrieve feminine hygiene products, I am not allowed to pull out a notepad and a pen, sigh and say "Brand? Type? Size and color of box?"

262) The next time the SITs have a pool on the size of my manhood, I am not allowed to enlighten them.  
262a) Nor am I allowed to send them to anyone who might know.  
262b) It is understood that if Dawn finds out without an engagement ring on her finger, I am a dead man.  
262c) Said ring must be mine.


End file.
